Dream up!

Well it's been a loooooooooooooooooooong time since last post. I'm kinda busy you know, but when I had time I forgot to post -,- Ok it's my mistake I know.

 Everyone's dreaming, so am I.
When I was on the 10th grade, I followed scholarship test hoping I could go to Singapore and finish my high school there. It wasn't easy, in fact the test is really DIFFICULT with BIG letters. And I didn't make it.

I have a lot of dreams. I want to go around the world, direct an international movie, and if I must die (I will, I know) I want to die as a person who have great knowledge.
I have failed to study in Singapore, but my mind refuse to give up. No, I'm not giving up. Instead of giving up, my dreams grow bigger.

I will go to Berlin and finish my undergraduate there (amin). Maybe you've already known that undergraduate in Berlin is free of fee, but still we have to pay guarantee many for about a hundred million rupiah. Expensive? Yes It is soooo expensive for me :(   Even though after 2 years the money will be given back without having 1 sent less (except you use it). The money is a guarantee that you're able to live in Berlin. But there's a big question in my mind : How do I get that much of money???
Scholarship? Well since undergraduate in Berlin is already free I haven't found any scholarship yet, but if you're looking for post-graduate, there are many of them. You can find information about any scholarship here : http://www.scholarshipsgrantsloan.com (they'll send you email)

So, is it time to give up? NO with BIG letters. I will go to Berlin no matter  how. God will hold my dreams, and the sky has noted it. I believe so.
I will try look for sponsor which is able to give me or lend me the guarantee money, maybe I can get extra money for daily needs? Who knows?

Yesterday some friends and I went to Jakarta to attend scholarship ceremonial submission. There are 200 students who receive the scholarship given SCG, a Thailand company. I am really happy, it's only a small step. But every great step starts from the small one.

I am a dream catcher. There are many dreams waiting to be caught. So, here I come.

Happy Birthday

Ingin kuberi makna,
namun yang tertulis hanya kata
akan semu dunia fana
yang kini seakan nyata

Untuk danau yang memberi rasa
meski kadang tak memberi asa
padaku yang mulai tak percaya
akan semua yang seakan maya


Biar waktu tak kenal kompromi,
dan tak segan merampas keabadian
dan biasa mencuri musim semi
atau menghentikan turunnya hujan
Kuyakini dalam hati
meski tak pernah terujar pasti
bagi mereka yang mengerti 

bahwa waktu tak bisa menelan jiwamu
yang mengukir pesan abadi dalam kata dan bentuk yang kauramu,
akan makna dan asa yang selalu membawamu
kembali kepada kami yang kau panggil rumahmu
 
Aku tak punya kotak pandora
untuk kuhadiahkan padamu
saat bertambah usiamu
dan berkurang detik hidupmu


Hanya segenap kata  kuhimpun
berharap Langit kelak 'kan memeluk

untukmu hanya ucapan selamat ulang tahun
Sebabku tak bisa memberimu bentuk



Ah, ingin kuberi makna
namun yang tertulis hanya kata

For Rakhmat Qorib,

on his 17th birthday...

Watching The Sky, Having The Stars

Alhamdulillah opening SMANSA DAY 2012 was great even there were some technical problems. It's twice the awesomeness!!!!!

Just a day before 'the day' we decorated SMANSA as well. If you come or walk by near SMANSA at night you'll see SMANSA DAY 2012 3D are sparkling beautifully :)

I remembered a beautiful moment with my beloved friends, watching the sky and having the stars. We laid down on ground, holding regia's cellphone to find out the constellation name.

We found orion, sirius, andromeda, and many others... What a night :)

I Want to make Time as Mine

Kosong


Mereka bicara tentang kebenaran
Aku tak percaya
Mereka bicara tentang harapan
Aku tak lagi punya
Mereka bicara tentang cinta
Aku tertawa

Waktu sudah menipuku

Seperti angin yang menipu ombak

Tapi kubiarkan waktu membelaiku

Meski kutahu ia palsu

Aku. Aku. Aku.

Kosong

Waktu. Waktu. Waktu.

Peluk aku.

Aku ingin dipeluk waktu!

A Sweet Day :)

Today I had a big meeting with OSIS to discuss SMANSA DAY 2012 at school though it's holiday :p
well after that I helped OSIS in finishing decoration stuffs.
So, here's the sweet story begin..



We were working on SMANSA DAY project
So today we tried to continue our job, making SMANSA DAY 2012 3D shape from wire.
It's pretty hard though. The wire is quite tough to be formed.
Even some boys give up after trying to shape it a few times!


I was sitting on the altar, didn't know what to do next since every job had had people's hand on it. Some girls were covering the 3D shape of letter A, Y, and M with cloth.




Maybe I was daydreaming or something like that.
then someone called me, it was Rakhmat Qorib, OSIS 1st Chairman.

"Reta, could you give me the wire behind you? Pass it to me."
I saw a straight and short wire behind me and picked it.

"This one?" I asked.


"No." he said. 

Then Qorib pointed the wire near the pole, "Right there. That one"


I picked the wire he pointed, then I realize it was not a 'usual wire'.
 
The wire formed my name 'Reta' beautifully...

It was like, I don't know how to describe it...
It was really sweet...


He didn't take the wire after I picked it. 
Qorib then continued his work and said nothing not even a word.




I was wondering at first who made it for me. Then I asked people there, but no one confessed. Some even said maybe it was made by my secret admirer -,- LOL
I don't have such a secret admirer!

Till I come to conclusion It must be Qoribiiiiii :)
Qorib confessed anyway hehe, 
I did not know what to say and how to thank him.
Maybe he didn't think to much about it, but It  means a lot for me.
It is a sweet present after all... 







Thanks Rakhmat Qorib, 

 This is Qoribiiiii :)

OSIS 1st Chairman,

And the responsible person for opening of SMANSA DAY 2012 where I unofficially  become his assistant :p

I can only say thanks...

For the beautiful wire,
For the sweet day,
and for your understanding when I can't understand myself...

 And for this two years I've known you, I am really grateful.

  

I take my word back

You never leave me alone 

 


 

my old poem

Found a poem I wrote when I was a junior highschool student.
I've changed it little to make it hmmm, i don't know. I like it in this kind of way

Aku Bukan Bayang-Bayang

Sepi kini membelenggu

Terperangkap aku dalam pekat

Menatap mereka pun aku tergugu

Tatapan tajam dan dingin terus melekat

Dia hanya bayang-bayang lapar!

Oh, dia kira aku sudah pudar

Aku memang tak bersinar

Hanya mampu mengumbar senyum hambar

Dengar,

Gapai aku dalam gelap 

sebelum suram semakin pekat

Hatiku terus merintih

pedih dan perih

Tinggalkan aku wahai sepi dan penat!

Gapai aku,

Aku bukan bayang-bayang.

sebuah tanya masih membayangi,

akankah kau menggapaiku?

My First Post on My New Chapter

Yesterday was such a memory, a long journey, to reach who I am today.
I thank God to have this life. It is not good, It is GREAT! FABULOUS! 
Maybe this will be a good lesson for me, because I am the apprentice of life itself.
And as I've always stated to myself : 

I am not white : naive and sometimes boring. 
I am not black : dark as always.
But I am Grey.


I got so much things I can keep from our journey. 
I can't say I was happy. At first step of our journey, I was really happy. But in the end, there's too much hurt. I was not happy, but I am thankful.

Looking back to the past, I really want to go back to the time when we laughed together. 
But I decide to move on. No one ask me, i decide.
I looked to our pictures before I deleted them. There's so much love, I know I was happy at that time. The way tree look at me at that picture reminded me that we were really really happy...

 Tree ever said to me, " never wish our story will end happily, because we will go along happily." 
But the point is, it did end happily. At least, for me

 Tree ever said to me, " My love for you is like a candle. I will shine brightly when other candles die out."
But the point is, maybe 'the candle' will never shine because the other candles still shine. And am I willing to blow all candles out so that one will shine? No. You asked too much, and I don't want to give you even if I can.

At the beginning, I was able to be myself along our journey. But in the end, I kept using mask to make tree safe.
And I don't want to be like that, even if I can.

I always said,

Patience has no limitation. If it does, then it means you 'limit' yourself. 
But tolerance must have limitation. If it doesn't then it will be execrable.

And My tolerance for you has met the limitation.
I used to tolerant when you yelled at me in front of people.
I used to tolerant when you shooed me directly...
I used to tolerant when you deleted my photos from your account
Now it's time for you to tolerant me when I  stop tolerating you.

I do not regret anything. 
I believe as someone ever told me, 
sometime we need to cry so the tears will clean our eyes and we can see the things more clearly...
As I believe I met you because God wanted to.

Before I declared my decision, I asked to myself : 
why should I give up after I've kept going for this long?

But then, another question came:
why should I keep going if you never ask me to.

Whether take it or leave it, I decide to leave it.
Sorry, If I never meet you expectation of how I should be.

But if you ask me, am I happy now?
then I'll answer:
Yes, I am :)
I feel love from people around me which I didn't feel because of you
I feel grateful for the life I have
I feel satisfied for the new chapter I begin.

I wish you are happy too...
I wish you'll find your home, as I find my home now :)
 Because now I can breath freely, smile sincerely, and laugh happily unlike when I was with you. I faked, and I hated it.

You were my tree,
You were my butterfly,
but you were not my home...

Thanks for everything

for the tree who ever gave me oxygen,
who now I save on a box: keep locked and hidden...